SH*T News of the day: Insights from Ravi Shastri and Virender Sehwag's interview revealed

The charismatic former Indian all-rounder Ravi Shastri was appointed the new head coach of the Indian cricket team a couple of days ago. After the decision of the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI), the fans are in a state of prolonged dilemma. On one hand, they are mourning over the loss of the gut-wrenching, adrenaline-withdrawing voice of Shastri in the commentary box. On the other hand, they will witness some more instances of sheer sarcasm, as Sehwag is not leaving the box.

Shastri was announced as the head coach on the 11th of this month. He was interviewed, just like the other candidates, by the Cricket Advisory Committee (CAC), which comprises of three former cricketers – Sachin Tendulkar, VVS Laxman, Sourav Ganguly. SH*T News has its sources spread everywhere, and from the recent updates, we can confirm that we had a source in the interview room as well.

Virender Sehwag’s interview

The Nawab of Najafgarh was the first one to be called for the interview. In his usual attitude, Sehwag opened the door while signing “Dhak Dhak Karne Laga”. From his song selection, which is obviously better than his shot selection, we can assume that the man was tensed. Here is how the interview proceeded-

Ganguly: If we select you as the new head coach, how would you operate?

Sehwag: I have made a strategy book, please see it.

The 1000 page book was handed to the CAC panel. Sachin was dumbfounded to see that Sehwag had planned so many strategies for the team. He was relieved only when he saw that the first 999 pages of the book were empty, and on the last page, his six-word success formula was written. No prizes for guessing, it was “See the ball, hit the ball.”

VVS, who was quiet till now, then asked: Viru, where do you see the Indian team in next one year?

Sehwag: You know what? I am a legend. In the next one year, the Indian team will reach its peak. Also, I would give them football coaching so that they can win the next year’s FIFA World Cup.

CAC had lost all interest in Viru by then. The last question was asked by Dada.

Ganguly: How would you bring in individual development and which player from the Indian team would you like to improve?

Sehwag: I will make sure my team scores at least 1000 runs in an ODI match. Also, I will work with Ishant Sharma and Ashish Nehra especially. I want to make sure that in the upcoming Test series, they will score 300 runs each. I was unfortunate that I played with the likes of Aakash Chopra. By the time I scored a century, he opened his account.

This was the end of Viru.

Ravi Shastri’s interview

Shastri was next, who joined in via Hype, the online video-calling service. This is how the meeting proceeded-

Shastri- Welcome to the Wankhede Stadium. We are all set for a cracker today. Star-studded CAC team will take on the one man army, Ravi Shastri.

He was cut short by Sachin Tendulkar. Ganguly, who was furious at Ravi, chose to watch Sooryavansham on Set Max instead of joining in Hype.

Sachin: Aila! Ravi, this is not the commentary box. You are here for an interview.

Shastri: And the stage is set here. The players are ready to take the field. Sachin Tendulkar is going to open the innings alongside VVS Laxman. Sourav Ganguly is retired hurt.

Sachin: Why shall we select you as the new head coach?

Silently, Shastri opened a picture from his pocket. It was the skipper Virat Kohli‘s, who was pointing the tallest finger. It seemed as if the finger was directed towards the CAC.

VVS: Tell me about your qualities.

Shastri again showed the picture. The CAC didn’t have the courage to say a word to the skipper. Shastri knew the game is won. By this time, Ganguly was the reading the book “The fault in my Anil Kumble”.

Sachin still managed to show some courage and said: Ravi, you are not selected.

Shastri opened his phone and dialled 911. From the other side, Virat said: “Yes Shastri Bhai, is anyone disturbing you?”

No chances of any further risky endeavours. Sachin and VVS said in unison “Ravi Shastri is India’s new head coach.”

To this, smiling wickedly, Shastri replied: “Ravi Shastri finishes off in style.”

This is how the interview process ended.

Disclaimer: This is a purely a work of fiction created for the sole purpose of entertainment. We do not intend to hurt anyone’s feelings or sentiments.